After watching yet another marathon of Sex and the City, I found myself relating to several of the topics. This time the one that got the old brain going was the episode in which she, her book, and her relationship with Adian were under review. Her quote, “When it comes to life and love, why do we believe our worst reviews?” really rang true for me.
My whole life I have always believed the worst of myself and the worst of what others said of me. I know I am not alone in this thought process.
And why is that one bad review can destroy 10 years of good ones? It is the whole “one step forward ten steps back” mantra. But why? How can we value what others think so much that we devalue ourselves?
How is it that at a young age we are told we can be anything, do anything but as adults and adolescents we can never measure up? Why the double standard? Do we suddenly turn into frogs at the age of 13? Do we grow three heads and transform into hideous monsters?
No matter how good I feel now let me run into someone made me feel insecure when I was 16 and I revert back to that awkward teen, not the nearly 36-year-old accomplished woman I am now.
Case in point: in surfing MySpace for old friends I came across the girl who stole my boyfriend my senior year. She not only stole him but she managed to make the next 2 years a living hell for me by ruining my reputation, putting pictures of me in men’s rest rooms in Bay St. Louis and Waveland with my home phone and what sexual favors I would do for them (all of which was NOT true) . I left town in 1990 by joining the Navy, and haven’t seen her until I saw her on MySpace this week. She went on to marry the guy and it appears they are still married.
Just seeing her face in her profile again brought me back to 1989 and the embarrassment of the whole ordeal. Gone were the published articles, the awesome kids I have raised and the amazing husband I have. I was 17 again. Why do I let her have that kind of power over me?
Why do we wear our insecurities as overcoats and our accomplished buried underneath?
I am not that girl she tormented, hell I wasn’t even who she said I was then.
According to The Secret, I need to forgive her to get past it. Thank her for giving me the experience that came from it in order to move beyond that time in my life that I still harbor.
So here it goes…RC I forgive you for stealing BB from me and destroying my reputation beyond repair. By forcing me out-of-town you gave me the chance to see the world and meet great people. I have a wonderful husband and awesome kids. The pain you caused me led to me writing which I wouldn’t trade for the world; in fact, I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. It made me who I am today: a great mom, super wife, successful writer, an accomplished student and one hell of a woman, scars and all.
You have been released….and so have I.